What I’ve Learned From Watching Hallmark Christmas Movies

It’s hard to say why we love these movies. They’re all slight variations on the same theme. Someone with difficulties in their personal or professional life learns about What’s Really Important thanks to some holiday magic (which may or may not be literal magic). They’re uniformly cheesy and often feature bad acting and/or cringe-worthy screenwriting. But starting on Black Friday and continuing through the month of December, I can’t get enough. I think the reason they appeal is because they’re so predictable. I can’t count on much in this world. Even fictional escapes come with their own stress (what if things don’t play out the way I want them to? I’m invested dammit!)  But with these movies, I know exactly how things will play out. I can sit back and enjoy. If I’m in a snarky mood I can mock them. If not I can just go along with it.

For the purpose of this list, I will be considering both Hallmark Christmas movies and Hallmark style Christmas movies (films not made by the Hallmark channel but still channeling the same mood. Often said films are made by Lifetime, Netflix, Ion, etc)

  • Europe is filled with tiny countries that no one’s heard of. English is the primary language in all of these countries, and most accents there sound British. Each of these countries has a handsome prince, looking for a quirky American to marry.
  • sub-buzz-28428-1513664598-1

    from buzzfeed

  • Small town coffee shops are frequently filled with confused city girls who can’t order their fancy latte and are trying to figure out how to drink plain old coffee with milk. The same thing happens at small town diners when the city dweller tries to order an egg white omelette and gluten free toast.
  • 2017-04-19_the-perfect-catch_feature-696x465

    from whatsfilming.ca

  • Only real Christmas trees are acceptable. A fake Christmas tree marks the owner as a soulless monster. If you know someone with a fake tree, the best thing to do is run away fast.
  • real-or-fake-christmas-trees

    from outsourcemarketing.com

  • Cell phones can also be indicative of the lack of a soul. But there is some gray area: sometimes people with cell phones aren’t truly soulless, but just misguided and confused about priorities. These people can sometimes be saved, usually by a quaint Christmas celebration.  The same cannot be said of fake tree buyers.
  • hqdefault

    hallmarkmoviesandmysteries.com

  • Children love to set up romances between the adults in their lives. In fact, that’s pretty much the reason that children exist
  • Final Photo Assets

    from hallmarkmoviesandmysteries.com

  • All children are adorably precocious. There is no other kind of child.
  • christmas-prince-07-w710-h473

    from vulture.com

  • Mistaken identity is very common. Outright lies about identity are totally forgivable, no matter how far they go.
  • princess-switch-1014x570

    from tvinsider.com

  • If a guy truly loves you, he will propose marriage after knowing you for two weeks (maximum).
  • street-proposal-inset-custom

    from fangirlish.com

  • It always snows on Christmas eve. No matter where you are. Florida? Australia? Mexico? The Sahara? It doesn’t matter. On Christmas Eve it will snow. I promise.
  • christmas-card

    from southernliving.com

    Do you like these silly holiday movies? Any favorites?